Word On Festive Anger Management

Our grateful thanks to Mike Fisher at the British Association of Anger Management for his input to our radio report (which you can hear again  via the audio player at the bottom of this page). 

The festive season of Christmas, often portrayed as a time of joy and togetherness, can paradoxically also be a period of significant stress and emotional turmoil, with anger being a prominent feeling for many.

Unrealistic expectations, family dynamics, financial stress, overwhelming preparations, loneliness and grief, Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) can all contribute to negative feelings and anger - there are some simple steps you can take to help yourself.

• Set realistic expectations. It’s okay for Christmas to be imperfect. Embracing a more realistic view can significantly reduce feelings of frustration and anger.
• Set a budget.  The spirit of Christmas is not measured by the price of gifts but by the warmth of heart with which they are given.
• Address family conflicts with open and honest communication. Setting boundaries and having a plan to manage difficult conversations can help mitigate anger.
• Be flexible.Things might not always go as planned. Being flexible and adaptable can help reduce feelings of anger when faced with unexpected changes or challenges.
• Focus on the positive aspects of life and the things you are grateful for can shift your perspective and reduce feelings of anger.
• Create new traditions. If old traditions are a source of stress or bad memories, consider creating new ones that are more enjoyable and less stressful.
• Limit social media and commercial TV consumption. Social media and TV advertisers often portray an unrealistic version of Christmas. Limiting exposure to these portrayals can help reduce feelings of inadequacy and frustration.
• Remember the core values and meaning of Christmas. Love, kindness, and compassion. Focusing on these values can provide a more fulfilling and less stressful festive season.
• Take time to look after yourself. Allow time for relaxation and self-care. Activities like meditation, exercise, or simply taking a quiet walk can be incredibly effective in managing stress and anger.
• Get support. If feelings of anger, loneliness, or grief are overwhelming, don’t hesitate to seek support from friends, family, or your GP.

General Rules of Anger Management

• Stop, think and look at the bigger picture - create time to think about the consequences of the event and the reaction.
• It's OK to have a different opinion - opinions are not facts! They are only what you think.
• Listen Carefully  – L.O.V.E. Learn – in order to learn, listen. Observe – observe the other person's body language. Verify – clarify information. Empathise – keep your heart open at all times.
• Use your support network - the group of people you can call on when you need to talk to someone so your anger doesn't get out of control.
• Keep a Journal - this is a powerful way of not internalising your anger.  Record how you feel about what happened, and your views on a problem. By using your journal it will bring clarity to the situation.
• Don't take anything personally - nothing others do or say is because of you. What others do and say is a projection of their own reality onto yourself. When you are immune to the opinions, projections, behaviours, and actions of others, you will not be a victim of needless suffering any longer.

Calming Strategies

• Breathe deeply, count to 7 on the in breath and 11 on the out breath.
• Remind yourself to "KEEP YOUR COOL".
• Remove yourself from the situation physically and emotionally if possible.
• Count backward from 20 to 1.
• Go for a walk, ideally in a park or open space.
• Visualise a calm tranquil place, e.g. sea or mountains, for about 2 minutes.
• Let go of any expectations you might have.
• Remember life is unfair!
• Yoga, meditation, swimming, and relaxation, good for de-stressing.
• Take up a relaxing hobby, e.g. gardening.
• Relax in a bath whilst listening to chilled music.
• Listen or dance to music.
• Inhale relaxing aromatherapy oils, e.g. lavender.

Clearing Process

Every time you feel angry with another person, you can either express your feelings, which triggers a reaction in the other person, or not express your anger, which will then build up inside you until eventually, you explode. You are in conflict with that person (holding onto grudges) and will remain so until you can resolve matters with them.

If this is not done (i.e. resolution is not reached) it is likely that you will remain resentful or hostile towards them. This serves no-one and only keeps your anger alive. Often when it comes to expressing our anger to others, there is fear about how to express it in such a way that it is clean, healing and empowering for both ourselves and others.

Using basic clearing process, you will find that even in the most difficult and challenging situations you can confront someone, without it developing into a serious drama. This approach is simple and powerful. Use it in an angry situation but remember: Practice makes perfect. You will become more comfortable with this approach the more you use it.

Before starting the clearing process with someone please make sure that you consider the following:

1. Be certain about the facts relating to the conflict. (NOT your opinion!)
2. Practice the clearing process with a good friend (your support person) first. This allows time to explore your own projections before doing a clearing with the other person.
3. Be aware that this clearing is more about you than about them. (It gives you the opportunity to open your heart to the other person.)
4. IMPORTANT - The other person does not need to justify their behaviour to you.
5. Tell the person that all you want them to do is just listen to you.
6. Offer them the opportunity to give you feedback at the end of the clearing process.
7. IMPORTANT - Give yourself enough time to do the clearing and ask the person how much time they have available to do this process.
8. Do not be attached to an outcome, sometimes the process will not go the way you want it to.

Getting help with your anger NHS Choices suggests that if you feel you need help dealing with your anger, see your GP. There might be local anger management courses or counseling that could help you.

The structure of the programmes can differ, depending on who is providing it, but most programmes include cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), as well as counseling. A typical anger management programme may involve one-to-one counseling and work in a small group. The programmes can consist of a one-day or weekend course. In some cases, it may be over a couple of months. There are private courses and therapists who can help with anger issues. Make sure any therapist you see is registered with a professional organization, such as the British Association for Counselling & Psychotherapy.

Listen to this weeks radio report